Grrrrrrrrr!

I am so furious! I always knew he was a liar and now I know he is. I'm talking about Aurelius! My friend's first expression of him was that he was a liar. I asked her what she thought of him and after spending 30mins with him she couldn't shake the feeling that he was a liar. I just dismissed this as being over protective but now I know she was right!

I cannot believe that he is going around telling people that he left. I guess it's true in a sense - since I asked him to move out. I am also very disappointed. And then he wonders why I don't want to stay friends with him?

And the truth be known our troubles started because of his can't be bothered, lazy attitude. I'll fix the car later, I'll register it later, I'll find a better job later, I'll go to the gym later...later, later, later. Everything was on hold, everything went stale! No ambition or none that he would share! No get up and go! Our first holiday together, he spent most of it in bed, no energy to do anything. I'm not saying I wanted to go skydiving or rockcliming, but it would have been nice to go to the beach, or the cafes of Maleny, the arts & crafts shops or just for a walk in the mountains. Too lazy! While I went out & worked his routine consisted of moving between the lounge, the bedroom & the computer room. Then I came home and cleaned and cooked. No thank you! I've been there once - didn't want to be there again.

Ok, I know what you're thinking...was he aware of how I felt? Yes he was because on the rare occasions that we would actually verbally talk to each other I had voiced my concerns. The response, I hear you ask? It usually consisted of an "I don't understand" or "If you want something done, just ask" or there was the explanation about the 'domestic blindness'! I just got a plain and simple explanation that if I didn't tell him to do it then he just didn't see it. I was flabbergasted. A grown adult cannot see dirty dishes? Piles of dirty laundry? I'm sorry, but there is only so much I can take of bullshit like that! It used to infuriate me when I would get the "I don't understand" spiel. How can you not understand that I'm unhappy because you never did anything and believe me he was told in no uncertain terms.

Most of the time we would end up arguing, because for a guy who prides himself to be of higher intellect then most, he was sure lacking in common sense and if I raised any concerns or metioned that I was not happy to be in a repeat ex-husband relationship then he would say that I was verbally abusing him - according to him. Eventually I just gave up. I could not win. It just did not sink in. I gave up! I wanted more from a relationship and I think my son deserved a better role-model and a person who treated him better. Actually Aurelius didn't treat him in anyway, he didn't interact with him at all, or hardly ever. What sort of a relationship is that? When both partners have children from previous relationships you should try and contribute to their well-being and upbringing in a positive way - at least that's what I think - not exclude them all together. Aurelius used to withdraw to his computer room after we got home and therefore would hardly see him until dinner time, after which he would withdraw again. The withdrawing to the computer room as soon as we got home was also giving me the shits - the excuse was usually "job hunting".

I didn't like where it was going and therefore I asked him to move out - not like he paid his share of the rent anyway! Every week, I would have to ask for the rent and then on top of that all my bills doubled. My Energex went from $130 to $230 and my mobile phone bill tripled and my car expenses also doubled if not tripled. I couldn't afford these expenses without any help and I didn't ask for help - I only asked that he pay his rent to me on time every week, which of course didn't happen. He didn't even pay his last week of rent and on top of that he left me with a pile of bills and cleaning costs - trying to fix the carpet and the wall in his room. The only bill he paid was the phone, which was almost disconnected several times.
I don't want his money now, but I would at least expect that he tell the truth, but I suppose that's asking a bit too much! Everybody has their version of the story and his blog is the world according to Aurelius.

I never wanted to write about the happenings in our relationship, because that's private, but I feel that I am entitled to tell my side of the story especially in my own blog.

As for being his friend, well I don't see why I have to keep in contact with him seven days a week and 24 hours a day just to stay his friend. I have friends whom I have not seen in 2 years or longer and then I have friends who I visit with every few months, but we don't live in each others pockets. I don't believe in living in each others pockets. Everybody has their own lives to live and you fit your friends in where you can. Besides, he should have learned to communicate when he had the chance not after it's been blown. There are other annoyances which I won't go into here.

I suppose you only get to know someone after you have lived with them for a while.

Finding Oneself

I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I am with I still need time to myself.

I used to think it was just because once you get to know someone you need time away from them. I have now realised it's not them but me where the problem lies. I need time to myself, regardless who I am with or where I am. A perfect example is - I just spent the whole of christmas day and boxing day at my sister's. It was fine the first day but by boxing day I wanted peace and quiet and wanted to be by myself in my own home.

This poses a problem for future relationships. Will I ever be able to live with another person, besides my son - of course? Will I have to be in a relationship where both of us maintains their separate residences for 'get-away' purposes? Should I get counselling for this? I am happy to be this way, but it does pose the above problem in future relationships. I used to think it was only my exes that had that affect on me. I guess maybe if I found someone that I enjoyed being with it might be different. One way to find out and that's to find someone - not that I'm looking.

Just once I would like the opposite sex to chase me and woo me with flowers, champagne and dirty weekends away! Is that wrong? In this age of equal opportunity is it wrong to want to be made to feel special? I'm sick of doing the chasing and the innuendos and the seduction, it's someone else's turn now and if I never find anyone who wants to woo and seduce well then that's the end of that! But I still have an inkling of hope deep within me.

I have met people who are more pedantic than me and who appeared to be less likely to find that right person, and yet they have - so there is hope! Is it also wrong to try and find someone who has a good job and is able to support a family? I don't think so, but then I do have old fashioned values. I want to have another baby, but it's unrealistic to even dream about this when the only people I seem to meet are either on welfare or drifting from one temp job to another. If I meet someone I want them to have a secure good job where I can have the opportunity to take a year off work and not have to worry about losing the roof over my head and how I'm going to feed my children and pay my bills! Is it wrong to want this? To me it's not, but I may be just a gold digger - as someone kindly suggested!

If there is anyone out there - please let me know!

Thanks

Diet?...What Diet?

I've given up over the holidays - but straight back to it as soon as the festivities are over.

I've also taken the plunge and two friends and I are going to an over 30s singles function in the city soon. Hopefully it will be a lot of fun!

I'll give you the post-mortem afterwards - if I don't forget!

Karma

I am so angry! I moved to cheaper housing because the last few years have not been so hot and now it's just unbearable. My previous house had air-conditioning and ceiling fans. My new house has nothing - not even good cross wind. The air is stifling and very humid. You just can't win. I used to tell people that I didn't need the air-con because it wasn't hot enough and that I didn't even use the fans - which was true, but boy - I'd love to have at least fans now - no point complaining - I'm not moving anywhere for at least another year or at least until the memory of the last move is well and truly out of my head.

I've got a lot more to write about but it's late - maybe after Christmas!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to everybody!

Confession

Ok, firstly I have lost another 100g. That's ok. I didn't go to Weight Watchers yesterday but I weighed myself at the gym. I feel happy because basically I've been pigging out all week. Monday was halloween, we had a beautiful morning tea. Cakes, biscuits, muffins, party pies etc. I ate a little bit of almost everything. Then Tuesday it was Melbourne Cup day this time we had lunch, roast chicken from the shops, creamy potato & pasta salad and coleslaw and french sticks. I ate, because I had paid for it. Then on Friday, one of the girls was leaving to go to Bundy for 4 weeks so again there was scrumptious morning tea, including chocolate mud cake, profiteroles and coconut balls. I had some - so in a nutshell this last week was horendous from a dieters point of view. I did manage to get to the gym 4 times this weeks, hence the small weight loss. I'm going to be a good girl next week. Hoping to shed more weight. The plan is to go Monday, Tuesday, Friday & Saturday and maybe I'll take the rugrat swimming on Sunday.

Secondly, I have to confess. I have an addiction. I always used to think people who were addicted to things were weak, but I am now at the stage where I can call it an addiction and I think I should seek professional help. Don't laugh! I am addicted to avocados. My day begins with two multigrain slices of toast spread with a 1/4 avocado and 1 tomato and a cup of coffee. This has now been going on for around 3 weeks. The other day I ran out of avocados and I started to panic! What was I going to have for brekky now? I ended up having jam on english muffin, but I craved my usual breakfast all day. I refrained from giving in to my craving. I did make a point of going to the shops on the way home from work and buying 3 avocados. How insane is that? I think I should just go cold turkey? I ran out again yesterday and I couldn't help myself but bought 3 new ones today. I can't wait until the morning!

Total weight loss to date stands at 3.5kg. Another 1.5kg and I get a reward. I'm giving myself rewards at various milestones. Milestone 1 = 5kg, 2 = 9.2kg, 3 = 15kg, 4 = 20kg and the 5th and final = 30kg

Melbourne Cup Day

What a bludge! The whole office pretty much worked until around lunch time and then for the rest of the avo sat around talking, eating, drinking - one person got really drunk - and of course watching the races at two. Most went home around 4, since we can't go home earlier then that - but they didn't do any work and some were tipsy, but one was really drunk. How embarrassing! She's only new - but luckily past her probation, which she spelled out kind of loudly to the boss this avo. It was funny to watch. I love watching drunk people.

Apparently xmas is even worse. I can't wait!

And I forgot the most important bit of information - I won $21.00 on the sweeps and I only put in $10.00 - so I doubled my money and it was fun.

Another one bites the dust!

I like that song, but besides that I've lost another kilo!!!! I am so proud of myself. I feel happier today than yesterday, maybe that's why I was so down - knowing that I had to go to weight-watchers and thinking that I'd put more weight on because I missed the last weigh-in. But I've lost weight, I am really happy! I am another kilo closer to attaining my goal weight.

On another matter, I picked up a parcel from the post office this morning. It's my watches I bought around 4 weeks ago from bidz.com. I honestly didn't think I would receive anything, but I did. I'm not totally happy with them. I bought two. They are both supposed to be ladies watches, but one is a gigantic black watch with cubic zirconias around the watch face and a giant question mark on the face - when I get Picasa working I'll take a picture and post it on here. Anyway it's huge and really heavy, but it's nice and worth the US3.00. The other one was a pack called Adrina mood watches, comes with interchangable face and bands and a coin purse. The coin purse is nice - pink, of course. The watch is really tiny and the bands really small - they don't even fit around my wrists and my wrists are not even that large. So off to ebay with that one. I was going to give it to my niece for Xmas, but her wrists are larger than mine. I'll be interested to see how much I can get on ebay for it.

WOW!

What a surprise! My phone rang tonight at 9pm and it displayed "private number". I thought it was a company I owe $59.00 to so I answered it all defensive ready to tell them off for ringing at such a late hour. So I say HELLO! and a foreign sounding person is saying hello - hello on the other end - considering I just had an encounter with this company the other day and the lady didn't speak much English I assumed it was the same person - I started to think that if it's them I'm just going to hang up after I said something, but the voice on the other end just kept saying hello and started speaking in a foreign language which seemed vaguely familiar? I thought "is it my mother?" But no, the voice sounded distant and unlike my mother - for those that don't know, my parents moved to Tassie - but the voice was distant like from another country and then it dawned on me, it was my grand-mother! I haven't spoken to her in at least 6 years. She lives in Hungary and it surprised me that she would ring me on my mobile. It was a pleasant and uplifing surprise especially since her and I are not that close.

I've been thinking about her lately, she is 80 this year, and she is doing really well for her age, but unfortunately we don't live for ever and I was thinking the other day how I would love to take Baba over to Hungary and introduce him to his Hungarian relations and how I would love to go back and re-acquaint myself with some of my cousins and aunties and uncles. I was thinking maybe when he is a little bit older, but I just hope it's not too late for my grand-mother. Is around 7 or 8 too young for a child to travel such a long distance? Will they be able to remember such a big adventure? I thought we could go and do a mini European tour and go to Germany - I've never been there, Austria - my favourite country in the whole world, England - never been there, and maybe some other eastern european countries, such as Poland and I would love to go to Russia. I guess will see how mature he is for his age.

Baba and I are going to our first Brisbane Bullets basketball game on Sunday night. I hope he enjoys it!

:-(

I'm feeling a bit down. It's unexplainable, I shouldn't be - life is pretty good. I have an excellent job, starting uni in a week - accounting - and work is paying for 75% of it. All my bills are up to date. My phone crapped itself, but it's no reason to be down in the dumps. I'm sure it's hormonal, but I'll get over that!

Was supposed to go to this traffic light party with a friend, but can't afford it and I have my son this weekend, maybe I'll do something getting out and meeeting people type next weekend.

I have my weight-watchers on sat - I've lost another 1/2kg. Slowly but surely, could be a bit down because of the lack of sugar and fat food, but I guess I'll get over that!

Anyway, we are going to the soccer club tonight - to spend more money that I don't have. Oh well, you only live once, might as well live life to the fullest.

Oprah

I was just watching Oprah. Does anyone else notice that she talks about herself more than she talks about the person she is interviewing? She also talks over them when they start to talk. This really irritates me, she really irritates me.

The only reason I made the point to stay and watch her show tonight was because Orlando Bloom was on :-) He is such a honey!!!!! Check out his website - one of many. It's a slow opener but it's worth the wait -if you're a fan.

Fun Fact 1
'Orlando' is a 3-syllable boy's name of Germanic origin, which means 'One who is famous throughout the land'.

Fun Fact 2
Orlando is a Dragon according to the Chinese birth calendar. Dragons are highly attractive and magnetic. Learn more about the dragon here. (The Chinese year ends on the first new moon of the following year, so he IS a Dragon, not a Snake.)

Fun Fact 3
Using The Learning Channel's Beauty Grid that mathematically detects beauty in the human face, Orlando's beauty is proved scientifically!

Fun Fact 4
Orlando's birthstone is the garnet, a symbol of constancy. The garnet will inspire all hearts towards Orlando and keep them faithful.?Learn more about Orlando's astrology signs, numerology, and the meaning of his name.

Fun Fact 5
Orlando's favorite color yellow is said to be the color of optimistic and idealistic people. People who prefer yellow are probably active as well.

Check out the site to get more info!

Slowly but surely

I started weight watchers around 4 weeks ago. The weight has been coming off slowly. To date I've lost 2.8kgs. I'm happy with that, because I have not been exercising a lot, which is why it's been coming off so slowly. During the week I decided to go back to the gym. I joined back up and went for my fitness assessment today. I am determined to go at least 3 times a week and supplement this with other activities such as squash, tennis, swimming, walking, bike-riding, golf and bushwalking. I've decided to join the bushwalking club and a girl from work and I are going to go and learn how to play golf - starting on 23rd Nov 2005. I'm also starting to play hockey in the new year and interested in starting up indoor soccer. My goal is to get as active as possible and that way I figure losing the weight won't be such an effort.

Cross your fingers for me. My son is happy to go to the childminding centre while I do my exercises. I've had to explain to him why mummy needs to go but he is really understanding and in the long run it will benefit him as well because I will be able to play with him for longer periods without getting puffed. I am also getting him active - he is starting swimming in two weeks and starting tennis lessons in the new year. He also wants to learn how to play golf but he has to wait until he is at least 6 before he can learn. He was a bit dissapointed, but I told him he only has to wait another 18 months.

Check out the weight-watchers site - I've linked the title to it!

Hooray!

I got my letter of offer yesterday. I was happy. I finally get to study what I think I want to do! That's accounting. I always wanted to be an accountant, but somewhere along the line I got side-tracked. I am now working in a job which will benefit from my accounting knowledge and I will also be able to use it advance up the ladder. I hope! I'm also excited because they will pay 75% of all my expenses and give me time off for study and exams. Check out the USQ website!

I hope I can keep the motivation going this time. I've worked out that doing it externally and studying 2 subjects per term, with 3 terms in each year - I should be able to knock it over in around 4 years - 5 the most. That still leaves me plenty of time to work on my finances and to purchase a house by the time I'm 40.
I've decided to put off saving until after christmas. There is no point this close to xmas - I have so many lay-by's it's not funny. But after xmas I will open a managed fund account and start putting away $150.00 per fortnight and another $50.00 into my online account. I would also like to go on holidays around xmas time, but I don't think that will happen, unless my mum pays for it - but I don't see that happening either. I get a whole week off at xmas time and I want to take another week off when the little one starts school at the end of Jan. This will have to be negotiated with the boss. I have to find out when school starts and what are the hours. It's private so they are a bit different to state schools. I hope they start around 8am that way I would only have to pay for after school care and not before. That would be nice.

Hi

Oh my goodness, it's been such a long time! The sad part is nothing interesting has happened in that time. Oh, I forgot - I got a new job, moved house and Paul's gone. Besides that nothing - how boring is life. I've also started a new blog, so I guess this one is going, I may come back and update it every now and then, if something good happens to me.

I suppose life is good, I'm still around, I have a good job and I'm slowly losing the tons.

We'll see what else happens.

Welcome to ebay!

I've started selling on Ebay. OMG it's weird, but exciting at the same time. I've never done this before, hopefully I'll go ok.

Check out my stuff! Please?

Ok I couldn't resist!

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You'll die in a castle, surrounded by servants.

How Sinful Are You?

Friends

My friend and I are going to the movies today - or are supposed to, but there is nothing on that I would like to see, maybe we'll just have lunch and sit and talk.

I'm sounding a bit too excited it's because she is heavily pregnant - a state I am desperate to be - she is 33 or maybe 34, and this is her first child and she is really excited and I'm really excited for her!

I can't wait to see her.

And more crap.....

You Will Die at Age 79

79 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

I'm happy with that age!

More Crap

You Are 55% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

I like these quizzes, even if they are somewhat fanciful!

Your #1 Match: ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done.You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings.Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you.Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer.

Your #2 Match: INTJ

The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems.Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized.You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others.Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

Your #3 Match: ESTJ

The Guardian You're a natural leader and quick, logical decision maker.Goals are important in your life, and you take many steps to acheive them.You enjoy interacting with others, mostly through work related activities.Your high energy level means you are great at getting things done! You would make a great teacher, judge, or police detective.

Your #4 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #5 Match: ISTP

The Mechanic You are calm and collected, even in the most difficult of situations.A person of action and self-direction, you love being independent.To outsiders yous eem impulsive, surprising, and unpredictable.You are good at understanding how all things work, except for people. You would make an excellent pilot, forensic pathologist, or athlete.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Communication

People's inability to communicate with each other really pisses me off! If you can't communicate with the ones you supposedly love then who can you communicate with? The dead?

This lack of ability has made some decisions for me, I hope for the better.

I've had enough

This morning was the final straw.

I arrived at work tired and sick of work already, only to find my first letter of warning from our Sydney head office nicely perched on my desk in front of my computer. I just snapped. The nerve of these arrogant arseholes! I've worked 45hr weeks for months now, not even getting paid for it because of the enourmous amount of salary I get paid - says sarcastically. I burst into tears and waited until my boss got in then I stormed his office shoved the letter on his desk and demanded to know whether he had anything to do with that or not. He denied it, of course. But I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, I told him that if he wants my resignation he's got it, he said he didn't but I told him that I was looking for something else anyway. He told me that if I find something take it and not to worry about loyalty and feeling guilty. He told me that the company was going nowhere fast anyway and I was better off somewhere else. He said he was also looking for alternative avenues for himself as well and he would take anything better if it came along.

He also said that the building we work in has now been sold and we have to vacate within 60 days but they have not yet found an alternative suitable location. That's the company I work for, they will probably leave it to the last minute and then expect a huge transport organisation to move within a matter of days.

I've now vented, good night.

We are going on a summer holiday.....

I've been wanting to get this off my chest, we are going away for the weekend and I am very excited! I've been promising my son for months now that I'm going to take him away on holidays and now I finally get to do it.

I told him about it last night and Aurelius showed him the website, and he was very excited. It's not a five start resort, but a lovely holiday park up at Montville. It's going to be a nice weekend away just the three of us. This will be our first weekend away together, I hope it turns out good.

Friendship

Something has been bothering me of late. But first let me tell you a story .....

A long, long time ago in a suburb far far away there were two teenage girls - let's call them Pinky and Ditsy, they were best friends and they did almost everything together almost every weekend. Then along came a boy and said girlfriend, became engaged and eventually married boy. All was going well up until the wedding day when Pinky met another girl, let's call her Psycho, who was also in the wedding party. (However, by this stage original friendship was already showing signs of wear & tear.)

Anyway, the story continues that Pinky and Psycho had formed an alliance with each other and started seeing each other behind Ditsy's back. Since the original teenage friendship was already on the rocks the introduction of Pshycho was like adding fuel to the fire. The new friendship blossomed and grew, mainly out of a need to bag and bitch about Ditsy. Pinky agreed with everything Pshycho said plus added even more dirt to keep the conversations going.

Eventually what happened was that Pinky and Psycho ran out of things to say and the friendship fell apart. Pinky ended up being all alone, she lost her best friend of over 10 years and for what? Nothing but some awful back-stabbing and a few giggles. I learned a valuable lesson from all this, NEVER gang up on your true friends to make new friends!

Can you guess what's bothering me?

:-(

On Thursday night Aurelius and I had our first huge fight. The issues of the fights are not important. What is important is that he really upset me and 'for those who were not listening', I spent a good part of the night bawling my eyes out. I don't know if he knew this or not, but if he didn't then he is the most ignorant man on this planet!

My concerns following this fight are that we are not able to communicate. As I said to him this morning, times when I am under pressure, highly strung and tired are not good times to raise issues relating to my son's upbringing. The topic is a sensitive one at the best of times. I am constantly questioning myself anyway, whether I'm being a good mother, am I doing things in the best interest of my son, am I setting a good example for him and am I a good role-model. Any single parents out there will know how hard it is raising children on their own, especially when you have to work full-time. The guilt one experiences and the sacrifices one has to make to provide the child with the best of everything. I try not to sacrifice the important things, such as spending quality time with my son, taking him to the park, movies, cooking him home cooked meals and of course, buying him things he wants. I guess the last one stems from the guilt I feel at having to go to work full time and having to put him into full-time daycare.

My point here is that any comments may be taken out of context and taken the wrong way. Comments made even with the best intentions, will be misconstrued to mean something else. Not intentionally, but because of the sensitive nature of the issues and concerns.

Amendment

I have to concede that Aurelius was right again! I don't really want cold hard cash - I want the things that cold hard cash can buy. Yes, I am materialistic, I want nice things - who doesn't. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me greedy? I don't think so, because I know from experience that when I have things/money I always share with family and friends, I give to charity and I also support the country's economy. What's wrong with that?

I would call this being ambitious. Yes I am ambitiuos, and yes I am working towards attaining these goals with or without partner support - it would just be easier with another ambitious person than without! It would also be quicker, but I am persistent and I will achieve my goals with or without help from anyone.

Anyone reading my previous entry thinking that I was going to use people to achieve my goals are mistaken, I have enough drive and determination to achieve my goals on my own. I have realised that I should never count on anybody else except myself and I guess this realisation hit me in the last couple of days. As the quote says "if you don't trust the way something is done by other people, then do it yourself!" I have fallen into a comfort trap - again - thinking that now that I'm in a partnership again, I can relax and things will happen, this is incorrect, things won't happen unless I make them happen! So once again I am taking charge, I am getting back on track and re-focusing my energy into advancing myself and not worrying about where other people are going. If they want to get there bad enough they will, if not then we are not meant to be!

I am now going back into the things I started in the beginning of the year, I am going back to bushwalking and since the offer of my gym membership was not taken up, I am going to go back to the gym on weekends and some weekdays. I am also going to put some energy into the charity organisation of which I am the media officer. I have neglected this position, but no longer. I will make plans to meet up with committee members next weekend and start being pro-active. I am also going to start golf, starting with making enquiries about prices and tuition. I am very excited about the next few months, and where my life is going to go.

But I also believe that couples should have similar goals and aspirations to be successful! This remains to be seen.

Good Bye, Auf Wiedersehen, Szia, Au revoir, Arrivederci

Ok. I was not going to write about this but it may help.

My parents are moving to Tasmania and I have not said much on this issue but yes it upsets me. You may think I'm being silly and need to grow up but let's face it, we are a close family - up until now that is. I realise that closeness is not related to proximity, but since our arrival in Australia in 1984 I have had no other family except my parents, brother and sister. As a family we have always been close - proximity wise - to each other and now that they have taken the plunge and are moving, I find it a little bit upsetting.

The worse part about all this is trying to explain it to my 4-year-old how far away Tasmania is. Aurelius and I have had maps of Australia out, but I don't think he understands. Tonight we went over to their house for dinner and loaded the car with some of his toys for the return journey home. We loaded the trike and he got really upset because that belongs in mamma's house for when he goes over there to play. Once again we had to explain that mamma & pappa have sold their house and will be moving "very far away, on fri." If we didn't take the trike it will end up in the bin. He doesn't understand, and I feel sorry and trying to think up explanations for when he starts asking me "When are we going over to mamma's house?" "Where is mamma?"

This upsets me very much. Another aspect which upsets me a bit is that I moved across town to get the extra support for when I needed it, being a single mother, I need all the help I can get, when I can get it! I work full-time and attend TAFE at nights part-time, who is going to help me now? I realise these are selfish reasons, but isn't a family supposed to stick together and help each other in their time of need?

On a non-selfish level I am happy for them, I hope they find what they are looking for down there and at least their move will force me to visit Tasmania in the not too distance future.

Buddha Birthday Festival 2005

For three days, South Bank will be a haven of peaceful celebration and multicultural fun at the Buddha Birthday Festival.

From 29 April to 1 May see lion and dragon dances, make candlelight peace offerings and be amazed at the ice sculptures.

Other highlights include: rides and games for the kids, an Asian art and craft fair, fabulous vegetarian food from around the world, plus the bathing Buddha ritual which is open to all.

We all love fireworks and this year there will be two displays – one on Saturday 30 April at 9pm, and the other on Sunday 1 May at 7.30pm.

Celebrate the birth of Buddha in 600BC by taking part in Queensland’s largest community celebration. Last year, over 180,000 people were at the party.


Venue

South Bank, with many activities in the Suncorp Piazza.


Dates and times for 2005


Friday 29 April 12 noon – 9pm
Saturday 30 April 9.00am – 9.00pm (fireworks at 9.00pm)
Sunday 1 May 9.00am – 9.00pm (fireworks at 7.30pm)


Cost

FREE.

There may be a cost for some of the rides and for food bought at the vegetarian food fair.

Combined with the Caxton Street Seafood festival it should be a good day of fun and entertainment for both parents and children.

Caxton Street Seafood Festival

I love seafood and this is one festival I've always wanted to go. I'll try and twist Aurelius' arm to take me there this year.

On Sunday 1 May, Brisbane’s Caxton Street will explode with sound and colour as locals take part in the annual Caxton Street Seafood and Wine Festival – the street party to end all street parties!

Fresh oysters, crabs, prawns and fish will be the flavour of the day. Plus the expected crowd of 30 000 people will sample aussie and international music acts on two stages.

The Caxton Street Seafood and Wine Festival, now in its 10th year, has become one of Brisbane's favourite festivals. The street is closed each year to allow everyone to sample food from the precinct’s famous restaurants, enjoy a refreshing ale or fine wine and relax over the Labour Day long weekend.

Found him!

In my last entry I forgot to mention that I have found someone who is very close to my wants. We are still early into our relationship but he is showing great promise, we are just working on the money bit - he doesn't have any! But we are working on it and I think together we are going to get to where we want to go.

So hope it works out and he doesn't get sick of my grumpiness. Cross fingers.

My ideal life

This is the way I had always imagined my life, needless to say none of it came true. I wanted to be an accountant - a high powered business woman, married to a business man and my first child at 28. Own my own convertible BMW 3 series by the time I was 25 and a house by the time I was 30. I imagined dinner parties at home with friends and business colleagues. A swimming pool in the backyard and private school for both of my children. A boy named Andrew and a girl names Ashleigh. Having grown up in a working class eastern european family I wanted to be rich, where if I wanted something I could just get it without needing to justify whether I actually needed it. I imagined going on overseas trips and family holidays every year.

This is what happened instead. At 18 I wanted to be an accountant, didn't do well enough at school didn't get into uni, so at 19 I studied accounting at Tafe, did pretty well but not well enough to get into an accounting course at uni, I did get accepted into early european history at griffith and languages at UQ. I started studying these course cross-institutionally, but got sick of going back and forwards so transferred myself into the UQ Arts degree. Completed this course with a double major in journalism. By the time I finished my course I had grown up significantly and realised that there was more to life then just power and money. I do like money but I was ready to admit that money wasn't everything. Married at 27, my first child at 28 - called Andrew, forced to give up work, reliant on one income, hard times were imminent.

I am now older and I would like to get comfortable. I would like to be with someone who is considerate, kind and wants more children. I now have a revised plan, based on my age. I want a life filled with money! Yes, cold hard cash! I am sick of the struggle, the justifications, the going without, I want a house and I want it soon! I want another child and I want someone to support me while I stay at home with the baby. I also want holidays as often as possible. On the home front I want a man who is not afraid of the kitchen, who does not mind sharing household chores. A man I do not have to nag into submission. A man who realises of his own accord when the dishes need washing, when the clothes need to be hung out to dry, the rubbish needs taking out, the floor needs sweeping and mopping, baby's napping needs changing and most of all someone who can put up with my grumpy temperament.

When I actually mean a normal life, I just mean a life where everything is equalled. I have no problem with working for my money as long as my partner is willing to do the same. I have no problem working hard to achieve my goals, but in this day and age and economic climate, doing it alone is almost impossible. I need someone who has similar goals and similar aspirations in life and then I feel that together we can make it.

???????????????????????

Have you ever wondered where things went wrong? I have been doing that constantly over the last few days. What's changed? What has happened to change things? Did I do something wrong? Is life just changing and leaving me behind? Am I expecting too much out of life?

Is it wrong for me to expect a normal family life? To be able to give my child what he deserves, a loving family environment, happiness and everything that his little heart desires?

I have been disullisioned of late! Life is not turning out as I had dreamed and hoped in the past few weeks. One of the major problems in my marriage was caused by laziness and lack of co-operation. Back in 2004 I started working full-time and hence I expected a little help around the house, which of course was not forthcoming. This caused numerous arguments and the inevitable separation. What scares me is that I am in exactly the same situation as before! Should I get out before it becomes too habitual?

Time for bed for the little one. I might be back later to reveal some more of my troubled thoughts.

So many things to say...

I have so many things to write about, but unfortunately 95% of it would offend my regular reader. Because of this I would rather just shut my mouth, retire my finger tips and leave it at that.

On the up side, I got paid for all the work I did over the public holidays, which means that my bank balance is looking a bit healthier.

Other than that, I have no further news...nothing I can write about here anyway!

Sensitive New Age Woman

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I shouldn't jump to conclusions!

But I have and always will!

Today's conclusion is that I should stop acting like a love sick idiot! It's not for me, I don't cope well with it, especially when it's not reciprocated.

So from now on:

1. I will not drop everything to msn/txt/talk to certain idividuals, especially when I'm out and especially since they don't either;
2. I will not go out of my way to make myself available to certain individuals - eg. rush home so that I can be home when they ring - only to be told that they have changed their minds;
3. I will never again alter my plans for anybody - sit around at home waiting for them to call when I could have gone out somewhere; and
4. I will not sit around waiting for certain individuals to contact me at their leisure when it suits them and they don't have anything better to do - only to be smsed that they now have other plans and will not be ringing, unless I wanted them to ring - sorry to be such an inconvenience!

What brought on these conclusions, I hear you ask? Simply that I realised this morning, that I was starting to put myself second, again. I have not mentioned this before but my New Year's Resolution was to do things I wanted to, when I wanted to and to be a lot more selfish.

I spent 4 years being in second place and another 4 in third and I have had ENOUGH! So from now on, if somebody wants me, they will have to come and get me and alter their plans to suit me! If they don't like this well they can find some other sucker.

There are certain individuals out there who read this, and you know who I'm talking about, that don't seem to have a clue about people. You can't just say one thing and then not do it or give a half arsed explanation such as "I've got better things to do now so I can't be bothered talking to you". I don't know about your world, but in mine I do have feelings and I do get vulnerable - especially when in love. So keep pissing me off and you'll have a much harder shell to crack! I have much stronger words that I would like to write here - to express the rage and anger that I am feeling right now, but I'm sure that it would not be allowed.

No! I'm not illiterate.

I just felt like clearing this up. As someone special pointed this out, there is no 'c' in aqua. I know this but the computer would not let me use aquarius without the 'c'. And thus I ended up with Acquarius.

What is Love?

How can you tell when you love someone?

To be honest I'm not sure. This is what I think love should be, if I'm incorrect please correct me.

To me love should be a sense of peacefulness, heightened senses and a rapidly pulsating heart. Love should bring you joy and sorrow. You should feel loved and adored and craved by the one who loves you. You should also adore, look up to and crave the one who loves you. I think admiration is a big part and also having respect for that person. I've always believed that companionship and respect far outweighed attraction, but that was until recently . I have met someone, who I think I am in love with. How do I know this? I know this because I want to spend every waking moment in their company. I want to hold him, talk to him and caress him at every opportunity. I think his snore is cute and I love the way he makes me feel. I want to fall asleep every night cradled in his arms and I want to wake up beside him every morning.

I have never felt like this before and I have certainly never acted like this before. I have always been level-headed until recently, that is. Since falling in love I have been irrational, emotional, territorial and extremely jealous. I have tried to curb these emotions, but it has taken me by surprise that I would even act like this. I never have and never thought I would. Now I'm not a hundred percent sure that this is love - maybe its pure lust, but why not run with it while I have it.

My favourite movie (When Harry met Sally) sums it up precisely: "...when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

And that's how I think I know!

Disturbed

I saw something very disturbing last night on tv and it has been haunting me ever since. NCIS: New Yord had just finished and another program was starting which featured real life crimes. The name eludes me at the moment but the contents still haunting me.

The gist of the story was that this nerdy looking 13 year old boy had brutally and sadistically murdered a 4-year-old boy. I thought that was terrible until forensic evidence went into further detail about how this pubescent 13-year-old tortured the little boy by stabbing him with a sharp rock, then pouring the boy's drink into the wounds and then sodomising him with a short stick. :-(

At this point, I could watch it no more and actually turned the tv off, but the re-enactment images and voice-over are still with me. My disbelief is how could a 13-year-old boy be so disturbed as to carry out such acts of violence? I remember when I was 13, I was still playing with Barbie dolls and care bears, whereas these days it's all about popularity, fashion and how to be cool! But I digress, what made the whole story worse is that my little boy was turning 4 the next day.

When I am down and I hear atrocities such as this, I always put people I love into the picture - which of course makes things even more unbearable. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that the whole world is going down the toilet?

Topsy Turvy

After a turbulent yesterday both at work and at home, I've decided to have today day off! I started by mending a few bridges, which had kind of fallen in a heap after my not so nice behaviour last night. Why do I behave like that? The simple answer is I don't know. I really don't - is it hormonal? Maybe. Psychological? Perhaps. Emotional? Definitely.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Around lunch time I got what I thought was my periods. Was it? Well to be honest I'm not sure. I wonder if it was just a bit of spotting? All up I had about 3 spots and some bloating and a few cramps and since then nothing. A definite must to keep my doctor's appointment on Friday and get to the bottom of it all. At work we had a conversation about how relieved and happy we were that I was not pregnant, but as the day wore on my doubts and worries still lingered.

Were the bridges mended? I hear you ask. I don't think so, as I have had no reply to any of my 3 sms messages. True, he could be asleep from a late night in front of the computer, but it's already 9.30am his time. Anyway, I think I have to do more than just send 3 sms messages. I was a little bit too nasty and accused him of not caring and being indifferent. Would that have hurt his feelings? Maybe.

On a happier note, my sister is coming over to work on her website for her salon. I'm looking forward to this as it will be part of my first assignment for TAFE. I'll post a link here when its finished.

Cake it away!

Why is it that supermarkets and bakeries just don't make birthday cakes anymore?

It's been one of those absent minded weeks where I've forgotten to send out the invitations to my son's fourth birthday party and also forgotten to order the specially requested spiderman birthday cake.

Wednesday I finally got around to handing out the invitations at kindy, but unfortunately I forgot to put on the invitations whose party they were invited to. This brought on a barrage of questions from the parents to the teachers and the teachers decided that they would play a little joke on me. Not a good week to do this as I have no sense of humour this week and of course I believed them and you should have seen my face! Boy, B105 gotcha calls eat your heart out! Anyone reading this from Judea will understand that reference.

Yesterday, being a Friday - 2 days before the very small gathering of 4 year olds - and after 5 days of searching, I actually got around to ordering the cake. Living in a low socio-economic area has made me wonder: Don't 4 year olds have parties in lower socio-economic groups? This question is brought on by my amazment that none of the supermarkets or bakeries around this area actually bake cakes specifically for children. My mum and I spent a total of 5 days searching for a spiderman cake, we checked the local Woolworths, the local bakery, I checked 2 local Coles stores and a bakery and nothing, actually the bakery had a small round cake for $35.00 but having no money I couldn't get it because they requested 50% deposit at the time of ordering. The lack of finances and choice meant that I had to venture out of my immediate area of residence to actually be able to order a cake that was desired. What do parents in my area do for birthday cakes? Do they buy a ready made cake - the generic version or do they just buy a six pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes and say happy birthday son!

The end result is that now I have a beautiful quarter slab spiderman cake ordered which will be ready in time for the party and there will be at least 4 kids in attendance. At the moment 4 is good - I'm not sure if Andrew will find this disappointing, but I'm sure he will be ok!

The next stage is organising party games, decorations and the goody bag. My ex-husband and I are going shopping for party food and taking the birthday presents off lay-by. It will be a good weekend - I hope.

Should this be the End?

I broke up with Aurelius last night. He rang back later and I think we came to some kind of agreement, but what that agreement was I am not sure. This long distance relationship is testing my patience - ask Aurelius I am not the most patient person in this world. He said he would ring back this morning and then we could talk - but no word from him yet.

It dawned on me after our telephone conversation that he was accusing me of cheating on him. I have been cheated on and would therefore never cheat on anyone. I am indignant that he would even entertain such thoughts. He asked me outright whether I did go out with the people I said I went out with. I went out to dinner with my sister on Friday night - she is suspicious of her husband cheating on her - and went out to the movies with my 21 week pregnant friend whom I have not seen since Sept 2004. This has made me think will my life be like this upon his arrival in Judea? Will I ever be allowed to go out with my friends on a girls night out? Without the questioning!

In case you are wondering what the initial break up was about, I'll give you a brief history and you can judge for yourself whether I'm over reacting or not. Aurelius lives in Rome, I (Pinky) live in Judea. We met online in Sept 2004 when Aurelius lived in Judea, and quickly became friends and then met face to face and became lovers. On a lovely Sunday drive home from Mt T I went crazy and decided that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship - recently having left my cheating husband - and thus ended our fledgling relationship. I think Aurelius was a bit cut up by this as he decided to move back to Rome shortly thereafter. We then became 'friends with benefits', a term I coined for myself as the alternate term did not appeal to me, until his departure 2 weeks later.

We continued being good friends, with Aurelius in Rome and me in Judea, until Feb 2 when I arrived in Ostia, having accepted an invitation from Aurelius to come down for his 34th birthday. Within a few hours we were back to being lovers and it felt comfortable and it felt like we were meant to be together and I was at ease with the world. The following couple of days were perfect, except that we spent time each day at Aurelius' ex-wife's house and you could cut the tension with a knife, but the only people who noticed was myself and Aurelia. Men are so ignorant!

To cut a short story long, I came back to Judea on Sunday, 6 Feb and my world has been an emotional roller-coaster ever since. Aurelius decided that he was going to move back to Judea as soon as he sorted his sh*t out in Rome, date was set for departure 18 March. Over the last few weeks that date has now been creeping slowly further and further into the future. First it changed to the weekend, to give him enough time to pack his stuff together - fair enough, no objections. Then a couple of days ago, he rings me and tells me that now he is coming the week after because Aurelia has asked him to wacth her house while she and their son go away for the weekend. Of course Aurelius says yes and I get the phone call, date has again been changed because he is babysitting the ex's house. So now he will be leaving on Tuesday, almost a week later. Now, I know I'm over reacting, but what if she comes up with another reason to make him stay? My pregnant friend thinks she is doing it on purpose, because Aurelia knew his plans, so quickly makes alternate plans to foil his. Am I just being paranoid?

And on top of all this I've had the added pleasure of worrying about whether I'm pregnant or not, but I've done a home test and it came up negative, so at least that has been settled.


By the way in case you're wondering if I'm a home-wrecker, no I'm not, apparently they have been separated now for about 2.5 years and neither of them want to get back together - so they say!

Aurelius has said that she has been acting all territorial and jealous because of me. Would she do this on purpose to keep her husband away from me? You be the judge! So this is my story so far, and it is now 8.32am Judea time and still no call/sms from Aurelius. Obviously he is not so worried about where we are headed, so I guess I shouldn't be as well. I should just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.