This is the way I had always imagined my life, needless to say none of it came true. I wanted to be an accountant - a high powered business woman, married to a business man and my first child at 28. Own my own convertible BMW 3 series by the time I was 25 and a house by the time I was 30. I imagined dinner parties at home with friends and business colleagues. A swimming pool in the backyard and private school for both of my children. A boy named Andrew and a girl names Ashleigh. Having grown up in a working class eastern european family I wanted to be rich, where if I wanted something I could just get it without needing to justify whether I actually needed it. I imagined going on overseas trips and family holidays every year.
This is what happened instead. At 18 I wanted to be an accountant, didn't do well enough at school didn't get into uni, so at 19 I studied accounting at Tafe, did pretty well but not well enough to get into an accounting course at uni, I did get accepted into early european history at griffith and languages at UQ. I started studying these course cross-institutionally, but got sick of going back and forwards so transferred myself into the UQ Arts degree. Completed this course with a double major in journalism. By the time I finished my course I had grown up significantly and realised that there was more to life then just power and money. I do like money but I was ready to admit that money wasn't everything. Married at 27, my first child at 28 - called Andrew, forced to give up work, reliant on one income, hard times were imminent.
I am now older and I would like to get comfortable. I would like to be with someone who is considerate, kind and wants more children. I now have a revised plan, based on my age. I want a life filled with money! Yes, cold hard cash! I am sick of the struggle, the justifications, the going without, I want a house and I want it soon! I want another child and I want someone to support me while I stay at home with the baby. I also want holidays as often as possible. On the home front I want a man who is not afraid of the kitchen, who does not mind sharing household chores. A man I do not have to nag into submission. A man who realises of his own accord when the dishes need washing, when the clothes need to be hung out to dry, the rubbish needs taking out, the floor needs sweeping and mopping, baby's napping needs changing and most of all someone who can put up with my grumpy temperament.
When I actually mean a normal life, I just mean a life where everything is equalled. I have no problem with working for my money as long as my partner is willing to do the same. I have no problem working hard to achieve my goals, but in this day and age and economic climate, doing it alone is almost impossible. I need someone who has similar goals and similar aspirations in life and then I feel that together we can make it.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Monday, April 04, 2005
???????????????????????
Have you ever wondered where things went wrong? I have been doing that constantly over the last few days. What's changed? What has happened to change things? Did I do something wrong? Is life just changing and leaving me behind? Am I expecting too much out of life?
Is it wrong for me to expect a normal family life? To be able to give my child what he deserves, a loving family environment, happiness and everything that his little heart desires?
I have been disullisioned of late! Life is not turning out as I had dreamed and hoped in the past few weeks. One of the major problems in my marriage was caused by laziness and lack of co-operation. Back in 2004 I started working full-time and hence I expected a little help around the house, which of course was not forthcoming. This caused numerous arguments and the inevitable separation. What scares me is that I am in exactly the same situation as before! Should I get out before it becomes too habitual?
Time for bed for the little one. I might be back later to reveal some more of my troubled thoughts.
Is it wrong for me to expect a normal family life? To be able to give my child what he deserves, a loving family environment, happiness and everything that his little heart desires?
I have been disullisioned of late! Life is not turning out as I had dreamed and hoped in the past few weeks. One of the major problems in my marriage was caused by laziness and lack of co-operation. Back in 2004 I started working full-time and hence I expected a little help around the house, which of course was not forthcoming. This caused numerous arguments and the inevitable separation. What scares me is that I am in exactly the same situation as before! Should I get out before it becomes too habitual?
Time for bed for the little one. I might be back later to reveal some more of my troubled thoughts.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
So many things to say...
I have so many things to write about, but unfortunately 95% of it would offend my regular reader. Because of this I would rather just shut my mouth, retire my finger tips and leave it at that.
On the up side, I got paid for all the work I did over the public holidays, which means that my bank balance is looking a bit healthier.
Other than that, I have no further news...nothing I can write about here anyway!
On the up side, I got paid for all the work I did over the public holidays, which means that my bank balance is looking a bit healthier.
Other than that, I have no further news...nothing I can write about here anyway!
Friday, March 18, 2005
Sensitive New Age Woman
Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
Sunday, March 13, 2005
I shouldn't jump to conclusions!
But I have and always will!
Today's conclusion is that I should stop acting like a love sick idiot! It's not for me, I don't cope well with it, especially when it's not reciprocated.
So from now on:
1. I will not drop everything to msn/txt/talk to certain idividuals, especially when I'm out and especially since they don't either;
2. I will not go out of my way to make myself available to certain individuals - eg. rush home so that I can be home when they ring - only to be told that they have changed their minds;
3. I will never again alter my plans for anybody - sit around at home waiting for them to call when I could have gone out somewhere; and
4. I will not sit around waiting for certain individuals to contact me at their leisure when it suits them and they don't have anything better to do - only to be smsed that they now have other plans and will not be ringing, unless I wanted them to ring - sorry to be such an inconvenience!
What brought on these conclusions, I hear you ask? Simply that I realised this morning, that I was starting to put myself second, again. I have not mentioned this before but my New Year's Resolution was to do things I wanted to, when I wanted to and to be a lot more selfish.
I spent 4 years being in second place and another 4 in third and I have had ENOUGH! So from now on, if somebody wants me, they will have to come and get me and alter their plans to suit me! If they don't like this well they can find some other sucker.
There are certain individuals out there who read this, and you know who I'm talking about, that don't seem to have a clue about people. You can't just say one thing and then not do it or give a half arsed explanation such as "I've got better things to do now so I can't be bothered talking to you". I don't know about your world, but in mine I do have feelings and I do get vulnerable - especially when in love. So keep pissing me off and you'll have a much harder shell to crack! I have much stronger words that I would like to write here - to express the rage and anger that I am feeling right now, but I'm sure that it would not be allowed.
Today's conclusion is that I should stop acting like a love sick idiot! It's not for me, I don't cope well with it, especially when it's not reciprocated.
So from now on:
1. I will not drop everything to msn/txt/talk to certain idividuals, especially when I'm out and especially since they don't either;
2. I will not go out of my way to make myself available to certain individuals - eg. rush home so that I can be home when they ring - only to be told that they have changed their minds;
3. I will never again alter my plans for anybody - sit around at home waiting for them to call when I could have gone out somewhere; and
4. I will not sit around waiting for certain individuals to contact me at their leisure when it suits them and they don't have anything better to do - only to be smsed that they now have other plans and will not be ringing, unless I wanted them to ring - sorry to be such an inconvenience!
What brought on these conclusions, I hear you ask? Simply that I realised this morning, that I was starting to put myself second, again. I have not mentioned this before but my New Year's Resolution was to do things I wanted to, when I wanted to and to be a lot more selfish.
I spent 4 years being in second place and another 4 in third and I have had ENOUGH! So from now on, if somebody wants me, they will have to come and get me and alter their plans to suit me! If they don't like this well they can find some other sucker.
There are certain individuals out there who read this, and you know who I'm talking about, that don't seem to have a clue about people. You can't just say one thing and then not do it or give a half arsed explanation such as "I've got better things to do now so I can't be bothered talking to you". I don't know about your world, but in mine I do have feelings and I do get vulnerable - especially when in love. So keep pissing me off and you'll have a much harder shell to crack! I have much stronger words that I would like to write here - to express the rage and anger that I am feeling right now, but I'm sure that it would not be allowed.
Friday, March 11, 2005
No! I'm not illiterate.
I just felt like clearing this up. As someone special pointed this out, there is no 'c' in aqua. I know this but the computer would not let me use aquarius without the 'c'. And thus I ended up with Acquarius.
What is Love?
How can you tell when you love someone?
To be honest I'm not sure. This is what I think love should be, if I'm incorrect please correct me.
To me love should be a sense of peacefulness, heightened senses and a rapidly pulsating heart. Love should bring you joy and sorrow. You should feel loved and adored and craved by the one who loves you. You should also adore, look up to and crave the one who loves you. I think admiration is a big part and also having respect for that person. I've always believed that companionship and respect far outweighed attraction, but that was until recently . I have met someone, who I think I am in love with. How do I know this? I know this because I want to spend every waking moment in their company. I want to hold him, talk to him and caress him at every opportunity. I think his snore is cute and I love the way he makes me feel. I want to fall asleep every night cradled in his arms and I want to wake up beside him every morning.
I have never felt like this before and I have certainly never acted like this before. I have always been level-headed until recently, that is. Since falling in love I have been irrational, emotional, territorial and extremely jealous. I have tried to curb these emotions, but it has taken me by surprise that I would even act like this. I never have and never thought I would. Now I'm not a hundred percent sure that this is love - maybe its pure lust, but why not run with it while I have it.
My favourite movie (When Harry met Sally) sums it up precisely: "...when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
And that's how I think I know!
To be honest I'm not sure. This is what I think love should be, if I'm incorrect please correct me.
To me love should be a sense of peacefulness, heightened senses and a rapidly pulsating heart. Love should bring you joy and sorrow. You should feel loved and adored and craved by the one who loves you. You should also adore, look up to and crave the one who loves you. I think admiration is a big part and also having respect for that person. I've always believed that companionship and respect far outweighed attraction, but that was until recently . I have met someone, who I think I am in love with. How do I know this? I know this because I want to spend every waking moment in their company. I want to hold him, talk to him and caress him at every opportunity. I think his snore is cute and I love the way he makes me feel. I want to fall asleep every night cradled in his arms and I want to wake up beside him every morning.
I have never felt like this before and I have certainly never acted like this before. I have always been level-headed until recently, that is. Since falling in love I have been irrational, emotional, territorial and extremely jealous. I have tried to curb these emotions, but it has taken me by surprise that I would even act like this. I never have and never thought I would. Now I'm not a hundred percent sure that this is love - maybe its pure lust, but why not run with it while I have it.
My favourite movie (When Harry met Sally) sums it up precisely: "...when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
And that's how I think I know!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Disturbed
I saw something very disturbing last night on tv and it has been haunting me ever since. NCIS: New Yord had just finished and another program was starting which featured real life crimes. The name eludes me at the moment but the contents still haunting me.
The gist of the story was that this nerdy looking 13 year old boy had brutally and sadistically murdered a 4-year-old boy. I thought that was terrible until forensic evidence went into further detail about how this pubescent 13-year-old tortured the little boy by stabbing him with a sharp rock, then pouring the boy's drink into the wounds and then sodomising him with a short stick. :-(
At this point, I could watch it no more and actually turned the tv off, but the re-enactment images and voice-over are still with me. My disbelief is how could a 13-year-old boy be so disturbed as to carry out such acts of violence? I remember when I was 13, I was still playing with Barbie dolls and care bears, whereas these days it's all about popularity, fashion and how to be cool! But I digress, what made the whole story worse is that my little boy was turning 4 the next day.
When I am down and I hear atrocities such as this, I always put people I love into the picture - which of course makes things even more unbearable. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that the whole world is going down the toilet?
The gist of the story was that this nerdy looking 13 year old boy had brutally and sadistically murdered a 4-year-old boy. I thought that was terrible until forensic evidence went into further detail about how this pubescent 13-year-old tortured the little boy by stabbing him with a sharp rock, then pouring the boy's drink into the wounds and then sodomising him with a short stick. :-(
At this point, I could watch it no more and actually turned the tv off, but the re-enactment images and voice-over are still with me. My disbelief is how could a 13-year-old boy be so disturbed as to carry out such acts of violence? I remember when I was 13, I was still playing with Barbie dolls and care bears, whereas these days it's all about popularity, fashion and how to be cool! But I digress, what made the whole story worse is that my little boy was turning 4 the next day.
When I am down and I hear atrocities such as this, I always put people I love into the picture - which of course makes things even more unbearable. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that the whole world is going down the toilet?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Topsy Turvy
After a turbulent yesterday both at work and at home, I've decided to have today day off! I started by mending a few bridges, which had kind of fallen in a heap after my not so nice behaviour last night. Why do I behave like that? The simple answer is I don't know. I really don't - is it hormonal? Maybe. Psychological? Perhaps. Emotional? Definitely.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Around lunch time I got what I thought was my periods. Was it? Well to be honest I'm not sure. I wonder if it was just a bit of spotting? All up I had about 3 spots and some bloating and a few cramps and since then nothing. A definite must to keep my doctor's appointment on Friday and get to the bottom of it all. At work we had a conversation about how relieved and happy we were that I was not pregnant, but as the day wore on my doubts and worries still lingered.
Were the bridges mended? I hear you ask. I don't think so, as I have had no reply to any of my 3 sms messages. True, he could be asleep from a late night in front of the computer, but it's already 9.30am his time. Anyway, I think I have to do more than just send 3 sms messages. I was a little bit too nasty and accused him of not caring and being indifferent. Would that have hurt his feelings? Maybe.
On a happier note, my sister is coming over to work on her website for her salon. I'm looking forward to this as it will be part of my first assignment for TAFE. I'll post a link here when its finished.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Around lunch time I got what I thought was my periods. Was it? Well to be honest I'm not sure. I wonder if it was just a bit of spotting? All up I had about 3 spots and some bloating and a few cramps and since then nothing. A definite must to keep my doctor's appointment on Friday and get to the bottom of it all. At work we had a conversation about how relieved and happy we were that I was not pregnant, but as the day wore on my doubts and worries still lingered.
Were the bridges mended? I hear you ask. I don't think so, as I have had no reply to any of my 3 sms messages. True, he could be asleep from a late night in front of the computer, but it's already 9.30am his time. Anyway, I think I have to do more than just send 3 sms messages. I was a little bit too nasty and accused him of not caring and being indifferent. Would that have hurt his feelings? Maybe.
On a happier note, my sister is coming over to work on her website for her salon. I'm looking forward to this as it will be part of my first assignment for TAFE. I'll post a link here when its finished.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Cake it away!
Why is it that supermarkets and bakeries just don't make birthday cakes anymore?
It's been one of those absent minded weeks where I've forgotten to send out the invitations to my son's fourth birthday party and also forgotten to order the specially requested spiderman birthday cake.
Wednesday I finally got around to handing out the invitations at kindy, but unfortunately I forgot to put on the invitations whose party they were invited to. This brought on a barrage of questions from the parents to the teachers and the teachers decided that they would play a little joke on me. Not a good week to do this as I have no sense of humour this week and of course I believed them and you should have seen my face! Boy, B105 gotcha calls eat your heart out! Anyone reading this from Judea will understand that reference.
Yesterday, being a Friday - 2 days before the very small gathering of 4 year olds - and after 5 days of searching, I actually got around to ordering the cake. Living in a low socio-economic area has made me wonder: Don't 4 year olds have parties in lower socio-economic groups? This question is brought on by my amazment that none of the supermarkets or bakeries around this area actually bake cakes specifically for children. My mum and I spent a total of 5 days searching for a spiderman cake, we checked the local Woolworths, the local bakery, I checked 2 local Coles stores and a bakery and nothing, actually the bakery had a small round cake for $35.00 but having no money I couldn't get it because they requested 50% deposit at the time of ordering. The lack of finances and choice meant that I had to venture out of my immediate area of residence to actually be able to order a cake that was desired. What do parents in my area do for birthday cakes? Do they buy a ready made cake - the generic version or do they just buy a six pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes and say happy birthday son!
The end result is that now I have a beautiful quarter slab spiderman cake ordered which will be ready in time for the party and there will be at least 4 kids in attendance. At the moment 4 is good - I'm not sure if Andrew will find this disappointing, but I'm sure he will be ok!
The next stage is organising party games, decorations and the goody bag. My ex-husband and I are going shopping for party food and taking the birthday presents off lay-by. It will be a good weekend - I hope.
It's been one of those absent minded weeks where I've forgotten to send out the invitations to my son's fourth birthday party and also forgotten to order the specially requested spiderman birthday cake.
Wednesday I finally got around to handing out the invitations at kindy, but unfortunately I forgot to put on the invitations whose party they were invited to. This brought on a barrage of questions from the parents to the teachers and the teachers decided that they would play a little joke on me. Not a good week to do this as I have no sense of humour this week and of course I believed them and you should have seen my face! Boy, B105 gotcha calls eat your heart out! Anyone reading this from Judea will understand that reference.
Yesterday, being a Friday - 2 days before the very small gathering of 4 year olds - and after 5 days of searching, I actually got around to ordering the cake. Living in a low socio-economic area has made me wonder: Don't 4 year olds have parties in lower socio-economic groups? This question is brought on by my amazment that none of the supermarkets or bakeries around this area actually bake cakes specifically for children. My mum and I spent a total of 5 days searching for a spiderman cake, we checked the local Woolworths, the local bakery, I checked 2 local Coles stores and a bakery and nothing, actually the bakery had a small round cake for $35.00 but having no money I couldn't get it because they requested 50% deposit at the time of ordering. The lack of finances and choice meant that I had to venture out of my immediate area of residence to actually be able to order a cake that was desired. What do parents in my area do for birthday cakes? Do they buy a ready made cake - the generic version or do they just buy a six pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes and say happy birthday son!
The end result is that now I have a beautiful quarter slab spiderman cake ordered which will be ready in time for the party and there will be at least 4 kids in attendance. At the moment 4 is good - I'm not sure if Andrew will find this disappointing, but I'm sure he will be ok!
The next stage is organising party games, decorations and the goody bag. My ex-husband and I are going shopping for party food and taking the birthday presents off lay-by. It will be a good weekend - I hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)